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More on Daddy

23 Jul

This is a lengthy one but please bear with me & share if you are lead to. Most days I'm totally fine in terms of the passing of my Daddy, but every now & then I'm not all the way OK. Today is a mixed day – I'm fine but missing him. I wanted to share something very personal to explain why I go through it still, in terms of missing my Daddy. When I was five years old a neighbor (their older teenage son) exposed himself to me & a few other children (I think 3-4 children). He sexually assaulted me (no penetration). That traumatic incident has been replayed in the back of my mind since then. It was always mentally "laying back in the cut", as is colloquially expressed where I'm from. I was so young but I remember it. It was so pressing in my memory that a year before my Daddy died, when I was 31 years old, I asked him,"Daddy, was I sexually exposed to/assaulted by an older teen neighbor from that green house two doors down? I think I was. The memories are there but I don't know if it's true because I was so very young & I've just been through so much Dad. Is this true, or is this my subconscious mind making this up? I just don't know but it has been in the back of my mind since then. It won't go away." That's how vague and yet vivid a memory this trauma was to me…

Dad hesitated. I'm jumping ahead a bit but I think he was stunned that I remembered on some level. He paused, then said, "Yes, that did happen to you. You aren't imagining it. You were so young, I thought you wouldn't remember & would be OK," He stopped after that. I think he re-experienced guilt. I knew then that my early trauma was responsible for my behavior with he & my brother for quite some time. I feel so bad saying this still, but for years I showed my Daddy & my brother no physical affection. I just couldn't bear to touch them with hugs or kisses. I thought that if I touched them physically with affection, they'd misinterpret it somehow for something it wasn't. I thought they'd turn on me & assault me sexually some way. I didn't want to do anything that could possibly blur the lines of father/daughter & brother/sister. They were the men in my life. Everyday. My Dad would talk to me about my lack of affection over the years – spiritually. He tried to coach me about it. He didn't realize that I needed professional help too. This was the 80's & 90's. As an adult, when I finally talked to a professional about it, I was so terrified that she'd think that my Dad, or brother abused me. I kept reassuring her that that's NOT what happened, nor why I was sitting in her chair for a $10 copayment per visit. She calmed me down. She believed me. The healing process began. After he died, I told you all already about me kissing his forehead. I said it had already grown cold. What I didn't tell you all is that this was the first time I kissed my Daddy since I was 5 years old. I had hugged him though. Baby steps. I used to be jealous of my sister because she had such a wonderful bond with Daddy, filled with the hugs & kisses of affection with both of my parents. I was inhibited. It was super easy for her. And my brother. I was the "trouble-maker"…

Sometimes, I wish I would have asked him more questions. I only wanted to know if what I remembered was real. No details to enlighten my trauma. Blurry revelation. I'm sharing all of this with you all to say…please watch over & talk to your children. Please. I was violated on our side of the white fence which separated the immediate neighbor. The perv lived next door to them on the other side. Please do not message me to ask me why I shared such personal details of my life. Or worse, do not instruct me not to. I'm of the belief, that God does not allow us to endure struggles to keep them to ourselves. Therefore, there are aspects of my life that I will freely share to potentially help someone else. That's my free choice. There will be those of you who have & will urge me not to share for free. Hmm. I'm not the type of person who peddles the wares of my deepest struggles for $$$. I'm also not knocking those who do. Jesus didn't charge me for seeing me through said struggles. Everyone else, be blessed & have a wonderful day. I sure am with my Mom, sister & brother by my side.

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Posted by on July 23, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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